Making Something Out Of Nothing

Ilúvënis Nápoldë Telemnar Elanessë

I am...
Comme des Garcons
...so tired of arguing with myself.


So be grateful for the chaos's in your life because without it, wala talagang kulay ang buhay nyo.

I miss the feeling of being broke - pero may work - kasi there's the next payday to look forward to. Well - there's the work to look forward to. Pero miss ko na mag budget sa totoo lang.



Answer for question 4486.
What is your most essential household appliance? How difficult would it be for you to live without it? What's one gadget or appliance you'd love to have but don't?
Most essential household appliance: the microwave oven. How difficult? Very. I don't know how to cook so I buy loads of microwaveable meals from S&R.

The one gadget/appliance I'd like to have but don't: a fully functional time machine.

Sa pag-gising
Ito ang nasabi:

Gusto ko na mamatay.
Wala nang kwenta ang aking buhay.

Answer for question 4484.
Do you generally point out the mistakes people make, or do you quietly let it go? What's one mistake people make that drives you crazy?
My knee-jerk reaction is to correct it. There are times I let it go because I feel like the other person is too much of a dumb ass to accept the correction. But most of the time I can't help myself. I reckon it's 'cause if it were me who was wrong, I'd like to know so I know better.

State of depression is on an alarmingly high level at the moment. It has been triggered by something which I am embarassed to even blurt out because the moment I do, I would feel forced to explain why and enumerate the triggers and there are just too many levels and I'm so fucking tired to even think about it.

So eto na lang. Post na lang ng picture kasi mabilis pag ganito. Although it doesn't capture what I feel right now, it does essentially drive home a point that makes sense to my situation.

Going 3 years na akong ganito. Although alam ko kung anong option na lang ang natitira sa akin (magpakamatay), di ko pa rin kaya gawin kasi I'm too chickenshit to do it.

Napakahirap magising ng malungkot.

depressed again
Dear Daddy,

You made my life so very insignificant and until today I haven't understood why you did that to your own daughter.

Please enlighten me soon. It's really becoming a pain waking up every day realising I'm still alive.



Cool article about GSP v BJ Penn 2
I thought this was a cool article and was worth a re-post.

"Rematch" by Chris Rini

On January 31, 2009, rivals Georges St. Pierre and BJ Penn met for the second time, this time for GSP's welterweight belt. Their first fight, three years earlier, had ended in a split-decision victory for GSP and the beginning of a heated rivalry.

By this point, Penn's legacy had already been cemented. The first non-Brazilian to win the World Jiu-Jitsu Championship, UFC title holder in two weight classes, and unbeaten at lightweight for seven years, Penn was one of the last remaining members of a bygone era. His fighting style was to finish, whether by submission, knockout, or TKO, and he gave no regard to weight class, competing at 155, 170, 185, and even 205 pounds.

St. Pierre, by comparison, was just entering the first year of his current title run. His fight with Penn showcased the next-generation athlete who would go on to dominate the welterweight division for half a decade and redefine the mainstream commercial viability of mixed martial artists. It would also mark the beginning of the end for Penn.

In the opening round, St. Pierre was unable to land a takedown, but his unrelenting attack impeded Penn's offense. Penn was able to showcase his speed and would dip in to land strikes, but midway through the second round, St. Pierre took Penn down. The image of him smothering Penn, while simultaneously landing hard shots, tells the story of this fight and of St. Pierre’s career ever since. For four rounds, GSP demoralized the challenger. The execution of this game plan caused Penn's corner to request a stoppage between the fourth and fifth rounds, handing Penn only the second TKO loss of his career.

I wanted to show the contrast in the fighters' experience that night through their physical composure. Here, Penn's famous grappling guard is in pure defensive mode. His striking has been neutralized, and his questionable cardio is being tested. He is a mass of angles and bent limbs. He was never able to dictate the fight's tempo and spent much of it grasping for some kind of control. St. Pierre's demeanor, by comparison, is nearly serene. His fists are devoid of detail -- they are bludgeons, wearing away at his opponent's will to go on. Gone was any memory of their first fight, gone was any chance of a trilogy. One year later, BJ Penn would lose his lightweight belt and his greatest accomplishments would be in the past. The era of GSP was beginning.
Written by: Chris Rini
Jan 24 2013

Source: http://fightland.vice.com/blog/defining-moment---bj-penn-and-george-st-pierre

I'm in a State of D

The answer is DEATH.

sadness in my eyes... charing
Never underestimate the power of a good mani-pedi session.

Random afternoon went to poxy town salon because I badly need a mani-pedi. Last sesh I had was prolly last year, around April, so deffo in dire need of a good scrubbing on my extremities because if I wasn't so desperate I wouldn't go to that poxy thing they call a salon.

The upside to the otherwise jejemon place (their main stylist is a flamboyant gay person who talks in gay lingo all the time and regales his lovelife for anyone to hear and the main receptionist would rather sit inside the salon than in her appropriate receptionist chair in the actual reception) is the elderly woman who is tasked to do mani-pedi's and foot spa. She seems to be the regular one of the bunch cos she's the most quiet even if at one point of the session, she berated the other stylist - a twink of a gay person as flamboyant as the main - in full gay lingo. (She didn't know I speak it until a little later which surprised and embarrassed her cos all the while her co workers were talking about me and they didn't know I understood 100% of what they were spewing about.) She was rather good and light on her hands. Didn't really feel any awkward pain that I usually do whenever I go for mani-pedi's so it's either she's really good or she only did 50% of what my usual manicurist would do which was fine cos tbh, it was really just for the interim until I can take the time to go to Pampanga and visit Nail-a-holics.

Another elderly woman walked in to get her nails done but she had to wait for me to be finished. If I hadn't engaged her in a very lively, very typical Beki-Kim conversation she probably would have walked out na lang and didn't get her mani-pedi done. She did admit if I weren't there, she'd have gone home because my session took a while.

Enumerating what I wanted to capture in this entry in a list na lang because my mind is going in many different directions and they're popping faster than bubbles:

a) The ice was broken methinks when we found out our last names were the same. Although it's her husband who's a DG, she lives in the town I always call "The town my grandfather built" therefore she knows him. Ayun na. May connect.
b) We exchanged stories about the brain fuck that is the province of Nueva Ecija, where the ones who don't dress well are the ones with money (farmers, land owners, typical magbubukid). I told her about this one time I saw a Lola with an outfit na nanlilimahid you would think she lives in a shanty but wait, there's more. Yung dumadaan pala na Land Cruiser na bago, sa kanya yun. She told about the story of how they were discriminated against at a hospital because they thought they were soliciting when in fact they were there for an almost P1,000,000.00 operation. They felt so slighted they paid in cash and didn't even use PHILHEALTH. (Mind you, this elderly woman dresses like a magbubukid so she was really into this topic.)
c) How my life is not sad, but it's my disposition in life living in Gapan, is sad. I don't know how we ended up here but I ended up sharing with her how I don't get to sleep at night (I only get to sleep thanks to zzzQuil) and how I feel so choked by living with parents.

When I was about done and we stopped talking to each other - meaning... di ako nagsasalita...- she suddenly said something that made me almost want to cry.

"Ay. Malungkot nga mga mata mo. Ayan. Nung hindi ka na nagsasalita, halata ngang malungkot ka. Di ka nagbibiro."

For a stranger to see how sad I am, it felt nice. It felt so nice I felt compelled to write about it. If she can see it, when I'm not talking, I wonder if the people who are around me every day can see it as well. Or they just pretend not to, or elderly woman was just giving me lip service.

It can't be helped. As long as I'm still living here, the answer to the question "How are you?" will always be "malungkot". That's one of the reasons why I don't want to make the effort to meet up with friends because it's inevitable I'll be asked that. "Kamusta ka?" "Heto, malungkot. Taga Gapan pa rin eh."

In 10 years siguro, I'll be happier. Baka patay na Tatay ko nuon. Ha ha ha ha... charing.

Finding happiness in this town is so difficult for me because.... hindi talaga dito happy tumira.

Jessica Mauboy - Never Be the Same
Love this song. This is my song for August 2014.


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